I've been wondering what's wrong with me

I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me...why I'm feeling the way I do. I'm a positive person, and I see a lot of good that comes out of every situation. I feel that everything that happens to us is an opportunity for growth and learning, and and opportunity for enhancing and improving our lives...no matter how much pain or hurt or disappointment comes from it.

I know I've been depressed. I didn't realize how much this had all affected me till I had a sort of "breakdown" a few weeks ago and had an upsetting experience with family members that I love with all my heart. Ever since then I've been trying to examine what I am feeling, and why I'm feeling it.

But there was something that was eluding me. I've been trying to decide where I want to go next...what I want to do next. Live in Houston near my sister? Live in San Diego near one of the most wonderful friends I've ever had? Live in New York again which is the only city in which I've ever really felt I belonged to something? Stay in Baton Rouge even if it seems boring?

Every few days I change my mind. I'm examining all my options as objectively as I can. I spend time trying to intelligently explore all aspects of each possibility. I sort through what I'd like and what I wouldn't like about each place, trying to separate fantasy from reality. I have been deeply examining my own character and characteristics in an attempt to truly figure out what makes me happy. And I come to some conclusions and feel that I've figured out what I want to do.

Then a few days later, it seems that some other course of action is a better choice.

I know that the processes we all go through after something like this take time. And six months isn't a terribly long time to figure things out, heal and move on. So I'm not giving myself too hard a time. But I've nearly outlived my welcome with my Mom (bless her for her love and patience and understanding). And it's time to make a decision.

So what is it that is eluding me? Why is it that a particular course of action seems to be the right thing to do, then later I feel that it's not at all what I need?

I think that I realized something tonight.

You see, I'd always adored New Orleans. I'd always thought that I'd end up moving back to NOLA, buying one of those beautiful homes, and settling here. Sure, I'd travel a lot to be with friends in all the wonderful cities all over the country and the world that I've lived in and visited. But my home base would be in lovely New Orleans, with the architecture, music and food that I adore. All these years away in all these different cities was just to establish myself as a graphic designer and establish a clientele that I could work for no matter where I was. I've done a pretty damned good job of that, actually. But I always felt that I'd come home to New Orleans. I thought that I had done that, and I thought I had mapped out a future for myself that made sense, in a place I loved.

But that doesn't seem real anymore. Combined with the experience of living in New York city during 911 and seeing such quick destruction of something we all took for granted...then living through Katrina, I realize that I don't feel safe anymore.

I was surprised to realize that. I've never had an attitude like that before. I've never been fearful of much of anything, actually.

Maybe that's why I stayed at my Mom's for more than 6 months. It's not just that she's my mom...it's her character, her intelligence, compassion and understanding that helped me feel safe. Thank you Mom.

But it's more than that. When I look through ads for apartments in the different cities, they all look like they could blow or float away easily. When I think of buying new furniture, new kitchen appliances, new curtains, rugs and decorative stuff...I feel like those things are pointless because they can be destroyed within the space of a few minute's time. And if not destroyed, looted as soon as you turn your back. To see everything everybody owned, used every day, and loved reduced to trash not even worth salvaging, really attacks one's sense of reality.

Now, I know that's silly. But I realize that's how I've been feeling. I wondered why I didn't even want to be in New Orleans lately. A good bit of what I loved about New Orleans has survived...the lovely architecture uptown, in the Garden District and in the French Quarter, the New Orleans Jazz Vipers at the Spotted Cat in the Marigny, the hamburgers at Port of Call...and all the rest of the great food. It's all still there, even if just beyond the next street is total devastation. So why do I not want to be there anymore?

The reason I didn't want to be there is that it all seems so fragile now. Like a puff of wind can blow it all away. How can I commit to building a life in a place, when it can be flattened in just a few hours. It doesn't matter where you are. Earthquakes, fires, mudslides, bombs, idiots in airplanes, hurricanes, floods, disease. LOL

I'm not really that paranoid. But what I'm saying is that I finally realized what happened to me. The aftereffects of living through something like Katrina destroyed my sense of permanence of things. It made the entire world seem incredibly fragile and fleeting, and I'm finding it hard to venture out into that world again without feeling like everything I do is just temporary.

And just when I'd about figured out that it is the PEOPLE that mattered, I found out two friends who had cancer, and another that died from some strange disease that I don't know the name of. Well, there go the people too, then.

I know I will adjust my attitude. There are a lot of important spiritual truths that I'm learning now. Things I've always believed but am now really FEELING. Impermanence is one of the natures of the Universe. Change is the only constant that there is. And "going with the flow" leads us through great adventures. I love the adventures.

So I know I will learn to find my "home" within my own heart. Not within any walls or street addresses. And not even that much within the hearts of others. Just in my own heart. I will remember again how to love people and things without being scared of losing them. I'm sure of that.

But right now I feel that all the things I thought made me feel secure are SO fleeting. My home is not with my Mom, sisters can easily end up not wanting to speak to you, and houses and stuff can come and go really fast.

At least now I know what is wrong. And I'll get over it pretty quickly.