I've been wondering what's wrong with me

I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me...why I'm feeling the way I do. I'm a positive person, and I see a lot of good that comes out of every situation. I feel that everything that happens to us is an opportunity for growth and learning, and and opportunity for enhancing and improving our lives...no matter how much pain or hurt or disappointment comes from it.

I know I've been depressed. I didn't realize how much this had all affected me till I had a sort of "breakdown" a few weeks ago and had an upsetting experience with family members that I love with all my heart. Ever since then I've been trying to examine what I am feeling, and why I'm feeling it.

But there was something that was eluding me. I've been trying to decide where I want to go next...what I want to do next. Live in Houston near my sister? Live in San Diego near one of the most wonderful friends I've ever had? Live in New York again which is the only city in which I've ever really felt I belonged to something? Stay in Baton Rouge even if it seems boring?

Every few days I change my mind. I'm examining all my options as objectively as I can. I spend time trying to intelligently explore all aspects of each possibility. I sort through what I'd like and what I wouldn't like about each place, trying to separate fantasy from reality. I have been deeply examining my own character and characteristics in an attempt to truly figure out what makes me happy. And I come to some conclusions and feel that I've figured out what I want to do.

Then a few days later, it seems that some other course of action is a better choice.

I know that the processes we all go through after something like this take time. And six months isn't a terribly long time to figure things out, heal and move on. So I'm not giving myself too hard a time. But I've nearly outlived my welcome with my Mom (bless her for her love and patience and understanding). And it's time to make a decision.

So what is it that is eluding me? Why is it that a particular course of action seems to be the right thing to do, then later I feel that it's not at all what I need?

I think that I realized something tonight.

You see, I'd always adored New Orleans. I'd always thought that I'd end up moving back to NOLA, buying one of those beautiful homes, and settling here. Sure, I'd travel a lot to be with friends in all the wonderful cities all over the country and the world that I've lived in and visited. But my home base would be in lovely New Orleans, with the architecture, music and food that I adore. All these years away in all these different cities was just to establish myself as a graphic designer and establish a clientele that I could work for no matter where I was. I've done a pretty damned good job of that, actually. But I always felt that I'd come home to New Orleans. I thought that I had done that, and I thought I had mapped out a future for myself that made sense, in a place I loved.

But that doesn't seem real anymore. Combined with the experience of living in New York city during 911 and seeing such quick destruction of something we all took for granted...then living through Katrina, I realize that I don't feel safe anymore.

I was surprised to realize that. I've never had an attitude like that before. I've never been fearful of much of anything, actually.

Maybe that's why I stayed at my Mom's for more than 6 months. It's not just that she's my mom...it's her character, her intelligence, compassion and understanding that helped me feel safe. Thank you Mom.

But it's more than that. When I look through ads for apartments in the different cities, they all look like they could blow or float away easily. When I think of buying new furniture, new kitchen appliances, new curtains, rugs and decorative stuff...I feel like those things are pointless because they can be destroyed within the space of a few minute's time. And if not destroyed, looted as soon as you turn your back. To see everything everybody owned, used every day, and loved reduced to trash not even worth salvaging, really attacks one's sense of reality.

Now, I know that's silly. But I realize that's how I've been feeling. I wondered why I didn't even want to be in New Orleans lately. A good bit of what I loved about New Orleans has survived...the lovely architecture uptown, in the Garden District and in the French Quarter, the New Orleans Jazz Vipers at the Spotted Cat in the Marigny, the hamburgers at Port of Call...and all the rest of the great food. It's all still there, even if just beyond the next street is total devastation. So why do I not want to be there anymore?

The reason I didn't want to be there is that it all seems so fragile now. Like a puff of wind can blow it all away. How can I commit to building a life in a place, when it can be flattened in just a few hours. It doesn't matter where you are. Earthquakes, fires, mudslides, bombs, idiots in airplanes, hurricanes, floods, disease. LOL

I'm not really that paranoid. But what I'm saying is that I finally realized what happened to me. The aftereffects of living through something like Katrina destroyed my sense of permanence of things. It made the entire world seem incredibly fragile and fleeting, and I'm finding it hard to venture out into that world again without feeling like everything I do is just temporary.

And just when I'd about figured out that it is the PEOPLE that mattered, I found out two friends who had cancer, and another that died from some strange disease that I don't know the name of. Well, there go the people too, then.

I know I will adjust my attitude. There are a lot of important spiritual truths that I'm learning now. Things I've always believed but am now really FEELING. Impermanence is one of the natures of the Universe. Change is the only constant that there is. And "going with the flow" leads us through great adventures. I love the adventures.

So I know I will learn to find my "home" within my own heart. Not within any walls or street addresses. And not even that much within the hearts of others. Just in my own heart. I will remember again how to love people and things without being scared of losing them. I'm sure of that.

But right now I feel that all the things I thought made me feel secure are SO fleeting. My home is not with my Mom, sisters can easily end up not wanting to speak to you, and houses and stuff can come and go really fast.

At least now I know what is wrong. And I'll get over it pretty quickly.

Are things really getting done?

A dear friend asked me what was really going on with Katrina down here...are things really getting done? Though there has been a remarkable effort made, I feel that it's only the tiniest fraction of what needs to be done. Here is my response to my friend:

From my viewpoint, things are bogged down with recovering from Katrina. They did some remarkable work cleaning up the less damaged areas in preparation for Mardi Gras. Uptown and the French Quarter look almost normal, except for the trees with about 1/3 the branches they used to have, and the 1/3 to 1/2 of the businesses and homes still sitting empty. But it looks pretty.

As far as the rest of it goes, I don’t see a lot of real progress. The cleanup efforts sort of reached a plateau...i think they have to really address where all the debris is going. They estimate about 50 million cubic yards of debris that needs to be removed. So far, they’ve only removed 6.9 million cubic yards.

They don’t know what to do with people’s homes. It’s a delicate situation, complicated by some stupidity and politics. Right now, they don’t want to rile up people by doing anything drastic, and besides, they have no clue what to do with that land. I guess it’ll end up being decided by whomever has the money.

The main thing that is going to dictate what happens is what will happen with the levees. They claim they’re going to get them to at least the strength they were before Katrina hit, by hurricane season this year. Duh....like that helped much last year. People are very scared of this year’s season. Weather goes in cycles...remember how Florida got pounded year after year?

So I believe the determining factor is what will happen with the levees. If they get funding (and some intellligent decisions) and build the levees up a lot stronger, then I think development will happen.

If they don’t, who knows?

Till then, there are little pockets of areas that are sort of back in business, but thousands of miles of devastation. It’s truly like a war zone down here. In the French Quarter and Uptown, things look good, and they’re hoping some tourism will come back. But just a short distance away, there are areas that have been mainly untouched since the hurricane, and are just covered with debris and languishing and decaying.

Honestly, I don’t think anyone REALLY knows what to do. The obvious, most practical actions would cause a huge uproar.

I predict that it’ll be at least 10 years from now before the area can really be recovered. I recall when I lived in Washington D.C. in the late 80s. Entire blocks of neighborhoods were still sitting untouched after the Martin Luther King riots in 1969. Houses were still burnt out and trashed. And in the Gulf Coast, there are thousands more square miles than there were in D.C.

It’s like someone who has suffered a stroke. They’ll never be the same, and though they can recover to some degree, it’s a long, hard road.

Mardi Gras 2006 pictures

Here are a few images from parades at Mardi Gras in New Orleans this year. I only attended a few parades in the week before Mardi Gras, and the crowds were thin. Even late night in the French Quarter felt a bit barren. But by Friday night of the weekend before Mardi Gras, lots of people had arrived, and the crowds were incredible. There were even thousands of people who were camped out in their flooded homes. It was strange to see devastated neighborhoods that had been abandoned for the past 6 months crawling with people.

Let's see what the next months bring. We hope that Jazz Fest will bring people back to New Orleans as well. This will be a big boost to Mid City since the Fair Grounds (where Jazz Fest is held) are in Mid City...just a couple of blocks from where I lived.



This is my friend Chris. He spent the week in New Orleans and his presence really helped make this a fun week. Spending time with Chris is unique and fun...we'd go from being ridiculously silly to some soul-searching conversations in just moments. Every moment with Chris is a blessing.

Mardi Gras 2006 - more images

More images from Mardi Gras 2006